Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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