i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
