I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
