Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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