well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
