someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
