How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
