woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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