if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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