I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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