I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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