it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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