wat bout pragnant strippers??
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
