Please don't use social media to get back at me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize