My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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