Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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