and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You are the jesus of drinking
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
