On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
