I'm drive I can fine osifer
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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