We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
