At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
