I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
