I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
