Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
