i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
