They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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