That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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