Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
