I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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