hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
