just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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