I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
