he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize