I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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