apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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