I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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