I can tuck mytits in my pants
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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