you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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