I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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