I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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