FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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