you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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