I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
