thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
