Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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