My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
