The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
