non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
