I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
