i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
