OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
