I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
