your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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