new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
