My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
