i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
