so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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