im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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