the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
