im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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