I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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