you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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