Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just had sex on a roof
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
