Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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