No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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