1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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