I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
