All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize