My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
