He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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