It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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